Thursday, 19 August 2010

* sigh *

So, yes, I know it's been a while, and I have sort of dropped the ball on this, but I am sick of writing about science. I see it every day, I talk about it every day, I think about it every day, I don't want to write about it every day. Such is the life I guess. I have found much more entertaining ways to spend my evenings and my artistic ability.

I am currently working in Germany for a few weeks to run my project past people here. Here are some things I've discovered:

1. I am a crap programmer, but I have potential, but that criticism and process makes me stressed out.

2. I get very stressed out when I do not speak a language

3. I am a stress-eater. I eat when I am stressed. A lot. Apparently I have not been stressed out for a long time. Last night, when I discovered that I was eating obsessively, did I recall the last time I must have been this level of stressed, during exams at CU when I did not have a boyfriend with whom I could ahem "work the stress out" or at the very least, bitch at for an hour and then play poker over drinks... you know, company helps stress. So we're talking a few years here. However, that came back last night. I ate all the food I bought for a week. All the food. In 2 days. I am sticking with the multiple cheap takeaways for the rest of my time here. It was absurd. I knew I was full, but all I wanted to do was eat. At least I know I am not an eater for loneliness or depression... just stress. And company (for me) takes the stress away. Ah well, it shall be solved.

4. When I am stressed I am very tired. When I am very tired, I still make myself get up at my usual time. When I am tired and up at my usual time I forget to wash the conditioner out of my hair in the shower.... .... .... yeah.

* sigh *

I wish I owned Dr Who DVDs. I am going to buy them when I get home. Maybe I'll try to find them here. The Doctor fills my lack-of-companion void. Which as I said before, hasn't usually been a problem, but it very much is a problem when I am stressed out.

Oh and my face is breaking out for the following reasons:
1. I am stressed about not speaking the language

2. I do not know how to ask if things have dairy in them and if I did know, I really really don't want to be that annoying, particular, American tourist who doesn't speak the language, can barely try and needs all these little things taken care of. So I have been eating a lot (read: any) dairy resulting in my face erupting like Krakatoa and my skin feeling like it's on fire. I am sticking with sausages and Chinese take-away.

Somehow I think it's easier for non-Americans to not speak German. I feel like there is this international stigma against American tourists. I've been met with it my whole life and spent my whole life trying to work away from it. However, no matter how polite I am or how soft-spoken I am (or try to be) as soon as I open my mouth, people's brains go "AHHH AMERICAN!!" and mentally run away screaming, reliving the horror they have had in the past with Hawaiian-shirt-wearing, loud, ignorant, picky, whiny Americans. It is very very very difficult to work yourself out of this box. I feel like I have only just begun to do that in Scotland, but I am set back well over a year being here. It feels terrible. I really hate that box and I hate being thrown in that box when I open my mouth. That box has high, slippery walls.